Finding Me Read online

  “No worries. It’s your last night out; you shouldn’t have to waste it with me.” I shrugged and turned back to Marc. I knew that seemed cold, and I felt awful. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t feel the same way, and he was never mean to me or acted like he didn’t have time for me.

  “Don’t be like that, Sam. You looked like you were about to say something —”

  “Jesus, pretty boy, do you have to lay claim on every girl?” Marc shook his head and got up from the stool, turning to me. “I’ll call you tomorrow and tell you what time I’ll pick you up.” Marc smirked at me and touched the bottom of my chin to make me look up at him. “Good night, beautiful.” I chuckled at his boldness and nodded.

  Lucas scowled at Marc as he strutted away to join the rest of his frat brothers.

  “You’re going out with Marc Christensen?!” Lucas had never raised his voice or looked agitated in front of me before. “Look, Sam, I would never tell you who to date, but I really don’t like —”

  “It’s only dinner. A girl’s gotta eat. It’s not like I’m marrying him or anything.” I shrugged and gave him a smile, still feeling bad because of the way I spoke to him. I stood up from my stool and moved closer to where he stood.

  Lucas shrugged and was about to say something else when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

  “Samantha, we need to leave. Tony is here with that bitch and I can’t stare at them all night.” My friend Alexis glared at the couple openly making out in the corner. I assumed that was her ex and his flavor of the month. Jason stood behind her, shaking his head.

  “Give me a minute; I’ll meet you outside.” Alexis let out a long sigh and nodded as she sulked her way out of the bar.

  This was it. This was goodbye. There was so much I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him how amazing he was and that I would never forget him, but the words wouldn’t come out.

  “So, I guess this is goodbye.” I looked up at Lucas and he shook his head.

  “I’m moving to San Diego, not another planet. I still have family here so I’ll always be back and forth. I’ll email everyone when I get settled.”

  I took a deep breath. “Thank you for everything. You’re an incredible guy, and I know you’ll kick ass in California. I was lucky to get to know you and be your friend.” I swallowed hard. Lucas was not going to see me cry, I wanted to walk away with a little bit of self-respect.

  Lucas smiled and held his arms out for a hug. I was more than willing to comply and held him tight to my body. If he was going to be a memory from now on, I wanted to make sure I remembered exactly what it felt like to touch him. He turned his head and gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek that made my knees buckle.

  “You’re pretty incredible, yourself. I have no doubt you’ll kick ass here, too.” He whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek again. I responded by kissing his cheek—and lingering. I had a feeling I would compare every kiss I had in the future to this moment, so I wanted to make it a good one.

  We let each other go and pulled back. I gave Lucas a sad little wave.

  “Have a safe trip, Lucas.” And a fabulous life. He gave me one more butterfly storm-inducing smile and backed away. The ‘pining for Lucas’ chapter of my life was, finally, officially closed.

  I turned to leave, and locked eyes with Marc by the door. He patted his pocket and smiled at me, making me laugh. Who was I if I wasn’t carrying a torch for Lucas Hunter? I guessed I was about to find out.

  Present day

  Does anyone ever plan to settle? I know I sure as hell didn’t. I wanted love, passion, and a man who needed me more than he needed his next breath.

  What I got was a husband who couldn’t stand the sight of me. Marc wasn’t always this way. When I first met him he was cute, even a little charming. We dated for a few years, got married, and while my life was never a romance novel, Marc was a decent husband. I gave birth to our beautiful daughter, and suddenly Marc couldn’t stand being home. He had to be out; the walls of our home became a cage holding him back from the man he wanted to be.

  I glared at my husband, sleeping on the couch in his clothes from the night before at one o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. I wasn’t sure where he spent all his time these days. Asking where he was or where he was going usually lead to hour-long fights, and an Oscar worthy performance of “how hard it was to be unemployed and watch me leave the house every day.” Since losing his IT job a year ago, he’d been working freelance jobs here and there, but never anything permanent. I had suspicions that his attitude was the reason he was never asked to stay, not his performance. Thankfully, my marketing director job paid well enough to cover the bills. But instead of gratitude, all I got was resentment when I strolled through the door every night.

  He was constantly texting someone, saying he was “making contacts,” but I doubted new IT positions were the reason his phone vibrated into the wee hours of the morning. I heard a rumor or two about who Marc was really with when he was out all night, but when I confronted him, he grunted at me and shrugged it off. He claimed my friends were busy bodies with nothing else better to do than track him, but I never got a solid denial.

  I crinkled my nose at the sad sight that was Marc. Shaking my head, I went into the kitchen to finish cleaning up from lunch.

  “Mommy!” Bella shouted to me as she ran down the stairs. “There’s a new Lego Friends princess castle! I just saw it on TV! Can I get it, Mommy? Please…” Bella bounced and folded her hands under her chin as if she was praying she’d get a yes from me. It was like pulling teeth to get her to speak at an audible level at times, so I loved seeing her more boisterous moments when she got excited.

  “Goddamn it, Bella! Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep? Don’t run around the house yelling like an animal. Jesus Christ.” Marc sat up from the couch, massaging his temples. Poor sleeping beauty was hung over.

  Bella put her head down and ran to me, clutching my hip as she quietly cried into my leg.

  “Most people don’t sleep until almost two in the afternoon unless they have a night job. I don’t think getting drunk with the guys counts as working. Bella shouldn’t have to tip toe around the house when everyone should be up.” I kept my voice even as to not upset Bella even more. Marc huffed and shook his head.

  “Can I be up for ten minutes before you start bitching?” Marc raked his hands over his face. I hoped he wasn’t about to puke, although rubbing his face in it would feel awesome right about now.

  I knelt down to Bella and pulled her hands from her face. I put my hands on her cheeks and rubbed the tears from her eyes with my thumbs.

  “I think I may have seen that castle in Target. After mommy’s Zumba class, maybe we can go check it out, and we can build it tonight … what do you think?”

  Buying my daughter big presents just because wasn’t the best way to parent, but when Marc had an outburst like that, I needed to make her forget it. It probably never worked completely, but I always had to try.

  She nodded furiously and a small smile appeared on her face. My gym had a day care so I always took Bella with me. She got to play with other kids, and I got to channel my frustrations into exercise. I tried to go every day, probably the reason why I wasn’t the Queens Lorena Bobbitt yet. My husband probably deserved most of the credit for getting me into the best shape of my life, even though I always heard comments from him about needing to stay there longer, or how I should stop “stuffing my fat face.”

  Up until this point, he was just a mopey crank. He’d never yelled at Bella like that before and I was going to make damn sure he wouldn’t again.

  “Why don’t you get dressed and I’ll call you when we have to leave?”

  Bella nodded and ran back upstairs, not once looking at her father.

  I marched over to Marc, still on the couch with his eyes closed and head laid back.

  “Get up!” I yelled right in his face. Marc jumped and rubbed his forehead.

  “Jesus, Samantha! Can’t you see I’m trying to—?”
/>   “Trying to what? Nurse a hangover? We’re supposed to feel sorry for you? You’re in your thirties and think you’re still a frat boy. You can say whatever you want to me, but don’t you ever talk to our daughter like that. Next time, you’ll be sleeping it off on the concrete outside, not on the couch. Grow the fuck up and try your best to hide what a jerk you are from Bella. You only actually see her for a couple of hours a day, so it shouldn’t be too hard.”

  Marc let out a deep sigh and got up. His face was almost contrite, but I didn’t buy it.

  “Look, Samantha—” I held my hand up. I grew up without a father, and I didn’t want that for Bella. But was having a father like Marc much better than having no father at all? I was in no mood to hear his latest excuse, and it was getting harder and harder to ignore the miserable way he was. I had tolerated it at first because I felt sorry for him after getting laid off from a job he’d had since college and liked. After being called a nag day in and day out, I started to believe that maybe I was; maybe I made him like this. For the past couple of months, though, it was more evident that the only person to blame for Marc’s behavior was Marc.

  Being married to him wasn’t how I wanted my life to be, but the thought of starting over was terrifying. Men didn’t line up to date a woman in her thirties with a small child. I didn’t have much with Marc, but I knew what I was getting. I fought the daily growing twinge in my stomach that soon I wouldn’t be able to pretend it was enough.

  Once I bought that castle, I could barely make it out of the Target parking lot before Bella begged me to start building. Marc had gone back out again by the time we got home, to where I didn’t know and really didn’t care. I ordered pizza, and we giggled as we connected all the little pieces to make the castle and the princesses who lived in it. My phone chimed with a notification. It had been awhile since I got a Facebook friend request, so I was a little curious. I swiped the screen and gasped when I read the name requesting to connect with me.

  Lucas Hunter. Holy shit.

  “Mommy, what’s wrong?” Bella frowned at me. I probably looked like I just saw a ghost.

  I guessed I did. A ghost from my past, the man I had wanted more than life for three straight years before he moved away. Since I was still best friends with his cousin, Daina, I asked about him every once in a while. Always still in San Diego, doing well at his executive accounting job, always dating but never serious—typical Lucas.

  Lucas and I were good friends back then, nothing more. He was always so nice to me and took me under his wing in college, making him that much more attractive to me. He helped me with my homework and cheered me on whenever I had a presentation or big test. He was a true friend in every sense, except for the fact I would spend half of our time together fantasizing how it would feel to explore his mouth with my tongue.

  My index finger shook as I pressed confirm. I intended to check out his profile as soon as I got Bella into bed. Admittedly, I’d searched for his name a time or two.

  My hand was still shaking as I tried to connect a part of the roof of the castle. I heard my phone chime again and jumped, making the Lego collapse like a house of cards. He wouldn’t have contacted me back so quickly, would he?

  “I’m sorry, baby. Mommy had too much sugar and is a little jumpy today.”

  I picked up my phone, and sure enough there he was.

  Lucas: Hey, Baby Girl! Glad I found you! Guess who’s back in New York? Daina told me you work on the East Side in the thirties, and that’s where my new office is. So how about a drink after work this Friday? I’d love to catch up. Let me know.

  I hated being called “Baby Girl” like I was a little kid, but secretly loved that Lucas had a nickname especially for me.

  Bella was supposed to have her first Daisies sleepover on Friday night. Her friend Julianna’s mom was picking her up from school and taking her home with them. Marc couldn’t care less where I went, and for the first time that felt like a good thing.

  Me: Sure. I get out of work around 6, so maybe 6:30? Let me know where you’d like to meet.

  Lucas: Awesome! How’s 31st and 5th? There’s a bar right next to the Starbucks on the corner.

  Me: Sure, see you then. Looking forward to it.

  Lucas: Me too!

  I was already trying on outfits in my head. I took a deep breath to ease the butterflies in my stomach. I hadn’t seen this guy in ten years, and a few messages from him had me all aflutter. This was just a drink, a couple of hours with an old friend—that’s all. So why was my pulse racing so fast I was out of breath?

  I was so screwed.

  I couldn’t believe it. Samantha O’Rourke had grown up to be a breathtaking, beautiful woman. The pictures she posted on Facebook showed how well she’d aged, but to see her in person was a completely different story.

  I noticed her sitting by the bar but didn’t walk over right away. I watched as she ordered a drink and crossed her long legs. Our eyes finally met and she gave me a big smile, but then looked down at the floor. I could tell she still had the adorable shy streak that made me give her the nickname she hated.

  When I called her “Baby Girl” she shook her head and gave me a hug. I tried to ignore how good her body felt when she pressed it against mine. She was married so I should’ve been appreciating her beauty from a distance. She was Samantha Christensen now, married to Marc Christensen, the biggest asshat student I knew back when I was a college advisor. I was more than curious to find out how the hell that happened.

  “You look incredible, Sam. Time has been great to you.” She gave me a little smile that didn’t make it to her eyes, like she didn’t believe me.

  “Thanks, Lucas. You look good, too.” I looked over her shoulder and noticed some guy sitting at the other end of the bar staring at her. I didn’t blame him, but I didn’t like it and asked her if she wanted to move to a table. She stood up from her seat at the bar, her perfectly toned legs and ass now visible under her tight black dress. My eyes traveled upwards and landed on the most perfect tits I’d ever seen. Unlike some of the women I knew in California who were that thin with breasts that big, Sam’s rack was natural. I’d never ogled her this much when she was in college. Get a grip, Hunter.

  “No Malibu and pineapple?” I pointed to the bottle of beer she was drinking as we sat down. Every time she put her lips to the bottle I felt a twitch in my pants.

  “This is kind of a sports bar, by the looks of it.” Sam crinkled her nose at me.” I was afraid I’d get laughed at. So, how was it being a Bronx boy in California?”

  I shrugged. “Not so bad.”

  She threw her head back and laughed. “Of course it wasn’t. I’m sure you fit right in with your sandy brown hair and year-round tan. How many girls did you have to fight off at the beach on a daily basis? I totally picture your life out there as a never-ending episode of Baywatch. I bet you even surfed.”

  “I tried surfing but I kept falling on my ass and figured it wasn’t for me, and I didn’t have to fight off too many.” I gave her a wink.

  “I’m guessing you didn’t try very hard, right?” She winked back.

  Look at this sassy little thing. I shook my head and laughed. Shy Sam had a little bite to her now. She was sexy, funny—and off-limits. This was beginning to suck a little.

  Three hours later, I couldn’t believe how fast the time had flown. We were both on our fourth round of drinks and I couldn’t remember laughing so much in one night.

  “Marketing director, that’s great! I’m not surprised; you were always smart, but never gave yourself any credit. I could tell you were going places back then.” Sam gave me a small smile and nodded.

  “Thank you. Took me a long time, but I’m happy I finally found a job I like with decent hours. Marc misses the days he only saw me for an hour at night because I was working late. I’m a real drag now that I’m home.” She ran her hand through her long chestnut hair and looked away.

  Sam was gorgeous and successful but had an underlying sadness
and indifference when she spoke. I realized that was the first time she’d brought Marc up all night.

  What the hell? I’m going to ask.

  “I’ve watched men check you out all night. Marc must go ape shit when you go out.”

  “Marc likes to joke that guys may come up to me because of the big boobs, but would run away as soon as I started to talk so he has nothing to worry about.”

  How was it possible he’d become an even bigger fucking asshole than he was back then?

  “If a man got the attention of a woman like you he wouldn’t walk away so easily, I can definitely tell you that.” I put down my beer and silently cut myself off before I got too forward and made Sam uncomfortable.

  “Actually, women seem to flock to Marc when he goes out. At least that’s what I hear.” She shrugged and took a long drink.

  What the hell kind of alternate universe did Sam live in that Marc acted like he was the catch in their marriage? I got the feeling there was more to it than that to make Sam look so unhappy.

  “Sam, Marc should thank his lucky fucking stars a woman like you gave him the time of day, much less married him. If he doesn’t, he’s a douchebag who didn’t deserve you in the first place.” Shit. I went too far.

  Sam didn’t look mad at all. She leaned over and put her hand on top of mine.

  “Thank you for saying that.” There was a spark of electricity when she touched my hand and looked up at me with those big, light brown eyes full of unhappiness. I was feeling all sorts of things, most of all anger that Sam was treated so badly and didn’t seem to think she was worthy of anything better.

  Sam looked at her watch. “Crap, its ten thirty already?! The night seemed to go by fast, didn’t it?”

  It had. We’d been there for over four hours, and I wasn’t ready for it to be over.

  “I didn’t realize that, either. Let me walk you to the subway.”

  “That’s sweet, Lucas, but you don’t have to do that.” Yes, I did. I wanted that extra ten minutes with her, however I could get it.

  “I was raised a gentleman. A pretty girl shouldn’t be walking around by herself at night in the big city.” I reached out my hand to pull her up and she took it. It felt natural, and it felt right. But it wasn’t.