Simmer Read online

  Simmer by Stephanie Rose

  Copyright © 2018 by Stephanie Rose

  All Rights Reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted on any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, Characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locals is entirely coincidental.

  Except the original material written by the author, all songs, song titles, and lyrics contained in the book are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.

  Cover Design by:

  Najla Qamber Designs

  www.najlaqamberdesigns.com

  Interior Design and Formatting by:

  Christine Borgford, Type A Formatting

  www.typeaformatting.com

  Editing by:

  Mitzi Pummer Carroll

  Proofreading by:

  Marisa Nichols

  Contents

  SIMMER

  Dedication

  Soundtrack

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Epilogue

  Enjoy an Excerpt of Rewrite

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Books by Stephanie Rose

  To my mother,

  I’ll never know everything you did for me; all I know is “thank you” will never be enough. I love you more than words could ever say.

  Jodi and Julia,

  For pushing for Sara’s story in the first place and your tireless efforts to help me give it roots and wings.

  LISTEN ON SPOTIFY

  Because of You—Kelly Clarkson

  Chasing Pavements—Adele

  All The Same—Sick Puppies

  When I See You Smile—Bad English

  Good Enough—Sarah McLachlan

  Sara—Starship

  Best Friend—Jason Mraz

  Feel Again—One Republic

  Right Here Waiting—Richard Marx

  Secret Garden—Bruce Springsteen

  To Make You Feel My Love—Billy Joel

  Slow Hands—Niall Horan

  Starving—Hailee Steinfeld

  The Cure—Lady Gaga

  Jealous—Nick Jonas

  Teenage Dream—Katy Perry

  Bad at Love—Halsey

  Naked—James Arthur

  Can’t Help Falling in Love—Pentatonix

  Big Girls Don’t Cry (Personal)—Fergie

  Praying—Kesha

  Never Stop (Wedding Version)—SafetySuit

  Sara

  “GET OUT! AND I don’t want you near Denise. Bad enough she idolizes you. The last thing I need is for her to think being single and pregnant is a cool thing to do.” Her chin jutted to the front door.

  “Why would you do that? I know you hate me, but don’t you care about her at all? What will she think if I don’t come back?” My hand shook as I rubbed at the sting along my jaw from where she slapped me. I wouldn’t cry and give her that last satisfaction. No way in hell.

  “I said ‘get out,’ Sara! You and that baby aren’t welcome here. If you come near this house, I’ll have you arrested.” Her cheeks reddened as rage spread over her features—features that were almost identical to mine. What was wrong with me for my own mother to detest me this much?

  A hysterical laugh bubbled out of my chest. “Was I ever welcome here? Even when I lived here? I’ll figure out how to see my sister. You have a nice life being miserable, Mother.”

  I wrapped my hands around my torso and bolted out the door, ignoring the sharp pain piercing across my gut at the sound of my baby sister’s sobs behind me. I guessed she’d heard it all. My heart broke, but I wouldn’t turn around. One look at her and the emotions I was holding in would boil over.

  I raced outside and down the front steps, tearing across the ten blocks to the bus stop. The adrenaline wore off right before I stepped onto the bus and fell into a seat. My eyes flooded with tears that I wouldn’t let streak down my face as I rubbed my still flat stomach.

  “It’s just us. I don’t have much, but you’ll have all of me.” I splayed my hand over my stomach and squeezed, hoping somehow that would make it listen to me. “I promise.”

  Sara ~ Nine and a half years later

  “MOMMY!” VICTORIA BARRELED into my legs, wrapping her arms around my thighs in a death grip.

  “Hey, baby.” I bent to kiss her forehead and rub her back. Bolting out of our apartment in a white-hot rage wasn’t a smart or responsible thing to do when you had a little girl watching your every move—especially lately. The poor kid clammed up whenever she tried to speak to me for fear of setting me off since I was always this close to losing it. I raced to her father’s apartment too infuriated to think.

  I promised her before she was born she’d always get the best of me. Since her father stumbled into our lives, I’d only shown her the worst.

  “Hey, cookie. Everything . . . work out?” Mrs. Lillo, our neighbor who became the only thing close to a family member we had over the years, studied me with a wary stare. I’d been awful to Josh and his girlfriend, Brianna, all the while making my daughter suffer solely for enjoying their company.

  All those years ago, I’d made the decision not to find my daughter’s father but he ended up finding us. One look at Victoria six months ago was all the confirmation he needed to know she was his. Those haunting emerald eyes they shared gave their connection away in an instant. I should have been relieved. Josh turned out to be a great father, and Brianna adored Victoria as if she were her own.

  I hated it—and reveled in showing exactly how much.

  “Yeah, fine.” I darted my eyes to Victoria and back to Mrs. L. She nodded in reply, understanding I couldn’t get into it with little ears listening.

  I cupped Victoria’s cheek and forced a smile through my exhaustion. “You can put on the new Wonder Woman pajamas we bought the other day and slip in a DVD. I’ll be in in a bit after I talk to Mrs. L. Give her a kiss goodnight and thank her for watching you.”

  “But you said I couldn’t put those on until Saturday. Extra wash, remember?”

  I nodded and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “It’s a special day. Go on.”

  She went over to Mrs. Lillo, burying her face in the plumpness of her hip. Mrs. L was the poster woman for grandmothers. She had a nurturing voice with a chubby frame that env
eloped you in the best hugs.

  “You never have to thank me for watching you. You’re a sweetheart and I love it.” She kissed Victoria’s cheek before my daughter raced down our tiny hallway to her room.

  “You’re pretty calm. I’m hoping that means you talked it out and there’ll be no talk of lawyers and such.” She raised a brow as she slid into one of my cracked dining room chairs and took a sip of her tea.

  Being served custody papers was my worst nightmare realized, and to hold them in my hand this afternoon made my blood run ice-cold in my veins. But deep down, I didn’t blame Josh at all. I’d made things so difficult for all of us, but my tantrum after Brianna took Victoria to the mall and bought her a toy was the straw that broke everyone’s back. He only wanted to be a part of her life, and even I was disgusted with my behavior the day I yanked her out of their apartment. My poor girl cried for hours thinking I was angry with her. She deserved better than a mother too bogged down in her own insecurities to realize how much she was hurting her own kid. Josh had every right to make a legal play for his child after how I’d acted all these months.

  “We did. He threw the papers in the garbage, so custody of Victoria isn’t an issue. He can see his daughter whenever he wants. They both can.” I grabbed a mug from the cabinet and drained what was left in the tea kettle.

  “I have to say, I’m impressed by Josh.” Her brow raised as she took another sip. “He really stepped it up. Not many men would find out they had a child and run toward her instead of away from her faster than hell in the other direction.”

  At first, I didn’t trust Josh or Brianna. I figured they’d hang around until the novelty wore off and pull away, hurting her as my parents had hurt me. Then—to my horror—they became a permanent fixture in our lives. Josh embraced his newfound fatherhood and . . . just wouldn’t go the hell away. He wanted to make up for all the time he missed—the time I took away from him by not searching for him all those years ago. I knew his last name and had an idea of where his army base was. Finding him wouldn’t have been difficult—had I tried. But I hardly knew him and had no clue what his reaction would have been.

  “Very true,” I agreed. “I give him credit. He really loves her, you know.” The offer he made me echoed in my ears the entire bus ride home. Despite the shit I’d given him, I trusted him. She loved him instantly right back, and the rift I fought so hard to put between them was cruel, plain and simple. I realized that now with painful clarity. Shame scratched at my throat as I forced down a gulp of tea. My eyes drifted across my table, lingering on the enrollment forms for Champlain College stacked on top of my third past-due notice for my electric bill. I almost cracked up at the irony.

  “I ended up telling him about Champlain. He offered to take Victoria for a year so I could finish up my credits and get my degree.”

  Mrs. Lillo dropped the mug onto the table and let out a gasp. “That’s wonderful!”

  I grunted around the rim of my mug. I applied for the paid internship on a whim, thinking I could take Victoria with me. I’d even found a nice elementary school not too far from the college. For the days and nights I had to work, I hoped I could find some sort of child care, but that dream was flushed down the toilet as soon as I found out she couldn’t live in on-campus housing with me. I still couldn’t bring myself to throw the forms out, even though I knew my answer had to be no.

  “I even agreed for a second, but I can’t.”

  “Why can’t you?” She glowered at me. “You just said Josh was a good father, and you know he’d take good care of Victoria. It’s only temporary, not forever.”

  “She’s my everything. How can I leave her, even for a year? It would be selfish.” I waved her off with my hand as I stared into space across the table.

  She scooted her chair toward mine and peeled my hand away from the mug’s handle. “It’s not that you wouldn’t see or speak to her for a solid year. Charlie does that face box thing with the grandkids every Sunday so I can see their faces.”

  “FaceTime?” I quirked an eyebrow as I held in a laugh.

  “Yeah whatever, and there are holidays you’ll have off. It’s a long drive upstate but it’s not across the country.” She draped her hand over mine. “Sara, honey, I love you. Like you were my own. I’ve seen you struggle. You’re stubborn, a little bit of a loner, and not all that friendly sometimes.”

  “You are getting to a sort of compliment, right?” We shared a laugh before she swatted my arm.

  “I’ve watched you skip meals to be able to afford presents for Victoria. Nod off mid-sentence because you worked for almost twenty-four hours straight. You’ve worked yourself to the bone trying to support that little girl. The one thing I’d never call you in a million years is selfish.”

  I threw my head back in laughter. “The way I acted all this time. I’ve been an animal, for Christ’s sake. That’s not selfish?”

  “No, sweetheart,” she whispered as she squeezed my shoulder. “That’s being human. Could you have handled it better? Maybe. You would cut your arm off before you’d hurt Victoria intentionally. But, you need to learn how to accept help. This is a great way to start.”

  “I have an interview tomorrow. For my new second job. Pays less than the first.” I shook my head, warding off the stinging behind my eyelids. “I’m so delinquent in rent, it would take four jobs to catch up.”

  “How long do you think you can keep going around and around in the same endless cycle? You may not get this opportunity again. If you want to really take care of your daughter, sacrifice a year of both your lives.” Her gray eyes bore into mine. “To not take Josh up on this, to barely keep your head above water until the one day comes when you drown for the sake of your own pride. That, my darling—that is selfish.”

  “Mommy, I was waiting for you. If you’re not still mad, can you come watch the movie with me?” Victoria’s voice was small as she climbed into my lap. I cinched my arms around her and buried my head into her neck.

  “I was never mad at you. I love you more than anything in the world.” My voice cracked as I kissed the top of her head. “I’ll be right in.” A smile lifted her cheeks as she hopped off my lap and headed back into her room.

  I let out a long sigh as I grabbed my phone and punched out a text to Josh.

  Me: Did you mean it when you said Victoria could live with you?

  In three seconds, the message reply bubble popped up showing someone typing. What scared me more? That maybe he changed his mind or that he didn’t?

  Josh: Absolutely. It’s the least I can do. Did you contact the school?

  My head fell back in the chair as I prayed I was doing the right thing.

  Me: No, but I will tomorrow. Thank you.

  Josh: My pleasure, Sara. We’d love to have her.

  “Well?” Mrs. L pressed, tapping her finger on the table.

  “I’ll do it. For her.”

  Mrs. Lillo’s mouth split in a wide grin. “No. You’ll do it for both of you.”

  Sara

  “DO YOU HAVE your own room?” my daughter inquired from behind me. This was a new foray for us. Me in a driver’s seat and her strapped in the back seat—in a car. A car that was mine. For her entire life, I dragged Victoria on buses and subway trains. Sometimes we were offered rides, and on occasion, I’d splurge on a cab, but owning a car? Never in my wildest dreams. By some miracle, I remembered how to drive.

  Mrs. Lillo gave me her son’s old car as a going away present since she planned on moving to South Carolina in a couple of months. She insisted I couldn’t ride the Amtrak all the way to Plattsburgh, and public transportation to and from school and work was hard to come by upstate. We shared a teary goodbye, but I promised to send her as many pictures and updates as I could. Everything was firmly in place for me to take back the dream I’d always wanted, but all I did was cry about it for the past three days.

  “I have a roommate, so I have to share a room.” I tried my damnedest to keep my voice even. Everything revo
lved around Victoria, and I wasn’t sure how I’d handle being without her. I wouldn’t let myself think about it until I had to. Today . . . I had to.

  “Is she nice?” She winced in the rearview mirror. My heart squeezed at the worry in her eyes.

  I turned to her after I put the car in park and squeezed her hand.

  “We talked on the phone. She’s very nice. Maybe when I call you later, I can introduce you.” My reply cracked at the end. There was no way I was making it out of the city without waterworks. I hoped I’d be able to hold them off until I drove away.

  How was I going to do this? She was my baby. What kind of a mother leaves her baby? The urge to grab my phone and cancel everything was so overwhelming it choked me.

  I stepped out of the car and fished her suitcase and bag of toys out of the trunk. The watery smile I forced as we strode to their outside door caused pain in my cheeks. Her hand clutched around mine as I rang their doorbell.

  “Hey, Sweets!” Josh extended his inked arms as he gave our daughter a smile. Instead of running toward him like she always did, she burrowed into my side and dropped her gaze to the floor.

  Biting my quivering lip, I gave Josh a shrug. He answered with a sad nod before crouching in front of her.

  “I know you’re sad that your mom is leaving today, but she’s only a call away. You’ll talk to her every night and she’ll be here on Thanksgiving. And . . .” he leaned in and told her in a loud whisper, “Bri and I have been setting up your room all week. Want to come see?”

  He held out his hand and quirked an eyebrow until she took it. Josh was tall with a broad muscular frame and covered head to toe in ink. He was almost unrecognizable compared to when I’d first met him. Then, he was a twenty-one-year-old soldier visiting for a weekend—only “passing through” as he’d said. Neither of us thought he’d leave a permanent souvenir behind. As big of a man as he was, he crumpled into a big teddy bear around his daughter. Her eyes stayed glued to mine as she followed her father inside.

  “Hey, Vic!” Brianna rushed over to her and planted a quick kiss on her forehead. “You won’t believe all the Wonder Woman stuff we found. You even have your own desk!” She lifted her gaze to mine and gave me a half smile. “Hi, Sara.”