Finding Me Read online

  That explained everything; why I had to work so hard to win her over, why she wanted to take it so slow at first. Realizing I may have lost her for good, my chest tightened and the air got thin. I was getting to her if I had to break down her damn door.

  “I love her, Laura. She knows that.”

  “She knew that. Now she doesn’t know anything. Just go, Owen.”

  I pushed passed Laura and burst through the door. The second I was inside, Bella stormed toward me and pounded my chest with her fists.

  “Get out!” She landed a punch to my throat before I could grab her arms and pull her against me. As soon as I got her arms to stop moving, she jabbed my thighs with the tops of her knees. Her eyes were red and swollen and her face was wet, but she came at me in a rage I didn’t know she was capable of.

  “Bella, stop! I know what you think you saw—”

  “What I think I saw? The whole damn school knows what I saw. Word spreads fast. Your girlfriend even had a nice message for me to go with the picture.”

  “Bella, you’re my girlfriend. You know that. What message?”

  She uttered a sad chuckle and folded her arms. “The little caption on the bottom said ‘I told her I knew what he liked.’” She picked up her phone from her nightstand and shoved it in my face. My head faced away from the camera, and Amber’s aim caught most of her breasts. It was obvious she was naked under that sheet. The timestamp was from ten-thirty this morning, right after I threw her out. Her seduction game didn’t work, so she went after me where she knew it would hurt the most.

  I scrambled for something to say. Anything to say to make her believe me. There was nothing—not one damn thing.

  “Bella, I was already passed out. I didn’t even know she was there until the morning.”

  “You know.” She sniffled as she sat down on her bed, wiping the tears from the back of her hand. “I was worried sick about you all night. All I wanted was to make you feel better. But you didn’t want me. You needed Amber standing on her head or whatever she does. I thought what we had was real. What a joke.” Bella put her head down and pulled at the roots of her hair.

  Oh, City. All I wanted was you, baby. I just couldn’t face you as a failure. All my words were petty and cheap now. A picture said a thousand words, even if they’re nothing but lies.

  “None of what we have together is a joke! I meant everything I ever said to you. Every kiss, every touch, every time I made love to you was real. And you know it.” I knelt before her and tried to take her head in my hands but she jerked away.

  “All I know is what I saw.”

  “You saw me sleeping. I would—could—never hurt you like that. I love you. You’re my sky full of stars. You’re everything to me. Please, baby. I love you so much,” I pleaded while still on my knees.

  “That reminds me.” Bella dug into her nightstand drawer, then shoved her necklace in my hand right before throwing my jersey at me.

  I stood from the floor and set them on the bed. “These belong to you. I belong to you.”

  She let out a humorless laugh. “Or so I thought. We’re over. You can do whatever you want with Amber or whoever else. You don’t have to worry about me.”

  “No.” I narrowed my eyes as I shook my head.

  Bella squinted her eyes as she glared at me. “What do you mean no?”

  “I’m not going anywhere. I’m yours, whether or not you choose to believe that right now. And you will. I don’t quit easily, and when it comes to you, I don’t quit at all.”

  I wished I could go back twenty-four hours in time, tell Bella to come over and fall asleep with her in my arms instead of a bottle of booze. My city girl made everything better, and I didn’t know how to let her go.

  The door creaked and Laura peeked in. “Amanda is coming up the hall. She’s the type of hard ass RA that would love to write us up.” She turned to me with a disgusted gaze. “You have to leave now.”

  “It’s okay. I’m going.” I turned toward the door, then turned my head to meet Bella’s gaze. “I love you. More than anything else in this world. Please believe that.”

  Bella didn’t answer, she simply looked away. If she knew, really knew, how I felt about her, she’d know the idea of me touching someone else was ridiculous.

  How did I move on from Bella?

  I couldn’t.

  So, I wouldn’t.

  She thought I was relentless when she first met me. She hadn’t seen anything yet.

  Bella

  ON THE OUTSIDE, NOTHING HAD changed. I still looked the same, although a haggard version of myself with my dark rimmed, sunken eyes too swollen for makeup. Inside, I was hollow and broken. In the past few months, Owen had become everything to me. He was the first person I wanted to speak to every day, and the only person I confided in about Marc wanting to see me. I didn’t want to miss him, but I did. I ached for him, and it made me so damn angry. I ignored the urge to answer the ten text messages he sent and rejected all his phone calls in between. Just seeing his name flash across my screen cut me like a knife. Would it always hurt this much? Maybe not, but for the foreseeable future, I was a pissed off zombie going through the motions of my day.

  Today was our accounting class, and the first time I’d see him in two days. I arrived extra early to change from my usual seat next to Owen. I sat in the front next to Lisa, who, judging by the glare of disdain she threw in my direction when I dropped my books on the desk, wasn’t all that happy about it. I knew her from Honor Society but she had yet to utter a word in my direction.

  “Problem?” I shot Lisa the nastiest glare I could pull off as I set my iPad on the desk.

  “No … um … sit here if you want. I don’t care,” Lisa stammered and turned to face the front of the room.

  I felt him before I saw him. I met Owen’s gaze as he stood in the doorway, long enough to notice his fallen expression. My eyes stayed glued to him as he shook his head and moped to his seat. I wished I could run to him, cover his face with kisses, and go back to what we used to be. I’d be at my regular desk. He’d sit beside me and slide his arm around my shoulder. He’d say, “Hey, City” or “What’s going on, gorgeous?” He spoiled me with attention and what I thought was love. After seeing Amber in his bed, I had no clue what to think anymore.

  My phone buzzed in my hand as I was putting it away.

  OWEN: I hate that you don’t want to be near me.

  Despite my better judgment, my fingers rushed to answer.

  ME: I hate that too.

  After class, I packed up at super speed, wanting to rush to my next one with as little social interaction as I could get away with. I didn’t look back to where Owen was or at the narrowed eyes Lisa gave me. I almost made a clean break when a tap on my shoulder spun me around.

  “Bella.” Tyler was also in the Honor Society and sat in the very back of the room. This was the first time he’d actually spoken to me. “I was told to give you this.” He handed me a torn piece of notebook paper.

  I nodded a thank you and clutched the paper as I walked away. I debated on whether to open it. The masochist in me won, and I unfolded it as soon I got outside.

  There was nowhere to hide. The place that I escaped to had now become the source of my biggest torment. I took a deep breath and rushed to my next class. Misery and heartbreak followed me here, and it didn’t look as though they were leaving anytime soon.

  I waited in line at Bean Shooters for a large mocha with extra whipped cream, and maybe even a big cookie. I craned my neck, my chest constricting at the memory of meeting Owen for the first time right in the same spot.

  “Hey, Bella,” Richie whispered in my ear as I waited to give my order. I jerked away from him and nodded a hello. The guy seemed to be everywhere the past couple of days, and it was always the same thing: ‘Owen doesn’t deserve you, let’s take a walk somewhere.’ His intentions were anything but nice. Creepiness oozed from every word.

  “He’s really not worth the heartache.” Every step I
took away, Richie moved closer. “Why don’t I buy you a cup of coffee and we can find a table and talk.” He rubbed my shoulder and I swatted his hand away.

  “Can’t you take a hint? Leave. Me. Alone. I’m not interested in being the prize in some sick pissing contest you have with Owen.” I turned my gaze to the counter and felt a thousand eyes on my back. From the corner of my eye, I caught Richie’s scowl as he stormed away. Embarrassing him was the first good feeling I’d had in two days.

  I ordered and reached into my wallet to pay.

  “Oh no, this is already paid for.” The barista waved my hand away. “Owen gave me money to cover whatever you ordered and asked me to give this to you.”

  My eyes widened as I took another piece of folded notebook paper from her hand. OT had people on his payroll all over campus.

  My vision clouded with another onslaught of tears. I’d never felt so lost in all my life. I was unsure of my past, confused as hell about my present, and couldn’t handle the thought of my future. I’d need a hell of a lot more than a mocha to make me feel better.

  Owen

  “COME ON, THOMPSON. NOW’S NOT the time to be lazy. Move!”

  We had no hope for getting into the playoffs, or having a scout come back since the last one slipped out of the rink with no interest in returning, but Coach still rode my ass as much as he could. He was right, though. My heart was nowhere near the ice. I shot the puck as hard as I could. My only intention was to maybe knock out a tooth or an eye from our asshole goalie. I would have loved to body check him into the boards and get that smirk off his face whenever he gazed in my direction.

  If I’d taken defeat like a man, I’d still have my girl. Maybe Richie set me up, but it was my fault for giving him the opportunity. I texted and called Bella every day, but all I got in reply was radio silence. Our only contact had been her sending Laura to my apartment for all the stuff she kept there. Every time I gazed across the rink at Bella’s usual seat in the stands my heart sank and my blood boiled. I lost her and had no idea how to get her back.

  “Hey, man.” Rob, one of our forwards, slid next to me on the bench after the line change. “Are you going to that Omega thing tonight?”

  I shook my head and kept my gaze forward. “Not in a frat party type of mood.” And I’d rather stick hot coals in my eyes than spend any more time with that prick in front of the net.

  “Still nothing from Bella? I don’t want to upset you, but I thought you should know. I’ve seen Richie trying to talk to her lately.”

  My neck jerked in Rob’s direction. “What? What do you mean by trying?”

  “I saw them twice. Once in the cafeteria and once in the library. Both times she didn’t stop and kept walking, but I don’t know what shit he’s trying to put into her head. What’s this competition thing he’s got with you?”

  I shrugged and kept my gaze on the ice. “I wish I could tell you. He’s always liked to take girls from me like it was some kind of sick game, but Bella … well he knows she’s different. Not beating the shit out of him is taking a lot out of me.” I glared over at Richie. I was sure he was how Bella got the Snapchat of Amber and me so damn fast.

  “You’ve got a crap ton of self-restraint. I’d pummel the bastard.”

  I’d wanted to do just that for days. I hated he was the one to greet Bella that morning at the apartment. It drove me nuts thinking of what he may have said to her. I was sure he embellished the shit out of what she saw.

  We hit the showers after practice ended. I hardly said a word to anyone these days. Class, practice, and apartment was how I’d spent the past few days. I didn’t have an interest in anything else but getting Bella to talk to me, but I was running out of ideas.

  “What do you think, OT?” Richie called from across the room as I was getting dressed. “Think I should invite Bella tonight? I bet she could use some cheering up.” He snickered at me, as he moved closer. I white knuckled the handle on the locker to keep from throwing him across the floor.

  “Stay away from Bella,” I spit out through gritted teeth.

  “You sure know how to pick ‘em. I love that pouty red mouth of hers. I’ll see if I can get her to use it on my c—”

  I threw Richie against the lockers and shoved my forearm against his throat. I couldn’t grab him by the collar since neither of us had shirts on, but watching his eyes go wide as he gasped for air was satisfying enough. He kneed me in the stomach and I stumbled back. I lunged for him again and knocked him over. The guys tried to pull me away, but I was possessed with rage and wouldn’t stop.

  “Shut your fucking mouth and stay the hell away from my girl.”

  Rob grabbed me and managed to pull me back but I wouldn’t stop moving.

  “How does it feel to fail, Golden Boy? Even the scout didn’t want you.” I wiggled out of Rob’s hold and punched Richie’s jaw. Blood dripped from his lip.

  Andy pulled me away. “Dude,” he whispered in my ear, “for Christ’s sake, you have to calm down.”

  “Thompson and McKenna! Dressed and in my office now!”

  Of course, Coach Wilkins had a front row seat the one time I lost my cool. I threw on my shirt and track pants and marched up to his office with Richie trailing behind me.

  I didn’t care that I was about to be suspended from the team. All that mattered was getting Bella back. She belonged with me, and I’d fight like hell to never lose her again.

  Bella

  THE SOLITUDE I WANTED SO desperately was now driving me up the wall. I glanced at my watch for the twentieth time and waited for Laura to come back from her Spring Show practice. Jaimee and Kristy were due here around now and everyone promised me a night of junk food and a good old ‘men suck’ girl fest.

  My phone buzzed on my nightstand, ‘Dad’ flashing across the screen. I shut my eyes and dropped my head to my hands. My parents would figure out within five seconds that my heart was broken and I didn’t have it in me to go into what happened with Owen. I took a deep breath and accepted the call with a forced smile, hoping that would disguise the despair in my voice.

  “Hey, Dad.”

  “Hello, my smart girl. We just got your midterm grades. How the hell did you get a four-point-two average?”

  I smiled in spite of my sad sack self. “The advanced classes I’m taking count as more credits. So it’s really just a four-point-zero.”

  His hearty laugh filled my ears. “Just a four-point-zero. I knew you would do great, but this surpassed any of my expectations. I could have waited until our usual call tomorrow, but I couldn’t. I love you, Butterfly. I’m a very proud father today.”

  Hot tears dripped off my cheeks, but I didn’t know why. Was it because hearing my dad’s voice made me homesick and want to nurse my broken heart back home with my family? Or did the pride and love in his voice slice me in half with guilt because I was supposed to meet up with my biological father—knowing Lucas was really the one who took care of me my entire life? Or was it disappointment that the man I thought of as my hero may not have been as perfect as I idolized him to be? I didn’t know which end was up on anything, and was this close to having an emotional meltdown from all the painful uncertainty in my life.

  “Thanks, Dad. I love you, too.” Even though I tried my best, there was no mistaking the crack in my voice at the end of the sentence.

  “Bella, what’s wrong?” Dad let out an audible sigh as I tried to stop the tears enough to speak. “Talk to me. You always talked to me when you were upset, ever since you were little. I’ll try to take the ogre hat off if it’s boy trouble.” I laughed through my sobs. I loved him for it, but there was no way I could tell him the story of how the guy I’ve been having sex with on a fairly regular basis may be having sex with another girl too. Four-point-two average or not, he’d be on the road so fast he’d make it to my dorm room to drag me home before Laura arrived. And there was definitely no way I could fill him in on Marc, and what he told me about him and Mom. There was nothing I could share with him ri
ght now about anything, and that made me cry even harder.

  “I’m just really tired, Dad. No big deal.” I let out an exaggerated sigh.

  “Don’t run yourself ragged. That brilliant brain of yours needs rest. I have to put your brother to bed now. Mom is at a marketing conference in Connecticut. The house feels weird without either of my girls, but I’ll see you in a couple of weeks for the hockey game?”

  Shit. I forgot about that. “Yeah. Listen, Dad, I better go. Tell Joey I miss him.”

  “I will, Butterfly. I love you. Get some rest, okay?”

  “I love you, too, Dad. I will.” I ended the call and reached for more tissues. In the past seventy-two hours I’d gone through three boxes.

  “Oh, no.” Laura stood in our doorway with Jaimee and Kristy in tow. “What now? Did the one of the janitors have a note from Owen, too?”

  “No.” I chuckled, the phone still cradled in my hand. “Just about ready to blow with everything going on this week. I hope you guys stopped for ice cream.”

  “Oh honey, I have ice cream, pie, and black forest cake from the diner. We have dessert for days.” Kristy bounced on my bed with two plastic bags full of food.

  Laura pulled out paper plates and plastic forks. We all chewed in silence.

  “I know we aren’t supposed to speak of … him tonight but, I thought you should know.” Jaimee grimaced as she sat closer to me. “Owen was suspended from the team today.”

  “What?” I dropped my fork and jerked my head in her direction.

  “For fighting. With Richie. A friend of mine is one of the new D-men on the team, and Richie has been trying to start shit with Owen all season. Whatever he said at practice today was the last straw and Owen beat the crap out of him in the locker room. He can’t play for the next three games.”

  I rubbed my temples as I fought the impulse to run to Owen’s apartment to make sure he was okay.

  “Listen.” Jaimee sighed as we all picked up our heads. “You all will jump on me, but I have to say this anyway. Bella, is it so out of the realm of possibility that Owen told you the truth?”