Finding Me Read online

  Paul grabbed the back of the chair next to me and raised his eyebrows in question. “Can I sit? I’d love to get to know the girl behind the pretty face.”

  “Seat’s taken.” A Southern growl behind me made Paul’s face drop.

  Owen placed my iced coffee and straw in front of me as he glared at Paul.

  Paul let out a long sigh and nodded. “Sorry, Owen. I didn’t realize you were with Bella.”

  “We’re on a study—”

  “It’s cool, Paul. See you at practice later.” Owen sat in his chair and scooted it closer to me.

  Paul nodded and gave me a sheepish smile before traipsing away.

  Okay, what was that? “You know Paul?”

  He nodded without looking up. “He’s one of the third line freshmen on the team. Doesn’t seem like a bad guy, I guess.” With a sour face I wasn’t used to seeing, he dug into his bag and pulled out a notebook. If I didn’t know better, I’d have said he was jealous. I sucked in my bottom lip to fight the twitch of a satisfied smile.

  “I don’t really know him. He’s in my Intro to Psychology class. Too many people in there to really know who anyone is.”

  “You know what we should do?” Owen met my gaze as he leaned back in his chair.

  I took a slurp of my coffee and squinted at Owen. “Enlighten me.”

  Owen laughed as the front legs of his chair dropped to the floor and he leaned forward. “We should go out.”

  With the straw still in my mouth, I froze. “Out?”

  Owen nodded and gave me a sideways glance. “Yeah, out. You. Me. Without books or ledgers. We can celebrate how well we both did on the midterm—or how well you did and how I got by thanks to you.” Owen’s brow raised as he awaited my answer, but I didn’t know how to reply.

  “I really don’t mind helping you. I get to study a little extra too, so it helps both of us.” Still ignoring his question, I opened my notes and skimmed to the midterm review questions. Owen inched closer to peer at my book, and I resented the jump in my pulse whenever he came near me. We’d been meeting twice a week for one hour at a time since the beginning of the semester, and each day I was more drawn to him than the one before. Last Thursday, Owen met me at the library straight after hockey practice when his hair was still damp from the shower. All I could think of for the first fifteen minutes was how the rest of his body looked wet, drops of water dripping across every muscle and hard ridge. Owen was the first man I had dreams of licking while I was still awake.

  Today, he smelled so freaking delicious. I didn’t know if it was the soap he used, cologne, or just him. I wanted to bury my face in his neck and breathe him in until he filled my senses. Little by little, this boy was making me lose my damn mind. I was the girl I’d never wanted to become, the one who lost brain cells at the same rate her hormones surged.

  Owen never needed much help at all. We went over the assignments together but he never had more than a question or two, so we both finished quickly. We spent the rest of our time together chatting about nothing. I should have pointed out to him a while ago he didn’t need my help, or suggest we only meet once per week.

  But I didn’t. I looked forward to every second I spent with him, and it was a huge flashing danger sign.

  “Nervous about the game Saturday?” What else could I ask Owen to make him forget what he just asked me?

  He smirked and gave me a sideways glance. “Nah, Hudson U really isn’t the team to beat this year. I’m more worried about the midterm next week.”

  I leaned back and narrowed my eyes. “You are a mystery, Owen. The first hockey player I’ve ever met who cares more about his accounting class than the ice.”

  “An enigma trapped in a riddle.” He wiggled his eyebrows and I nudged his shoulder. His very hard shoulder. I wished my dorm had a bathtub so I could sit up to my neck in ice. Cold showers after our study dates weren’t doing a damn thing.

  “I know what I’m doing on the ice. This stuff, not so sure.”

  “Come on, you don’t need my help at all. You know what you’re doing. We probably don’t even need to meet anymore after the midterm.” I closed my notebook and shoved it back into my bag. My stomach sank as I waited for his reply. I’d fade into the background of the horde of girls that panted over him, but it was for the best. I hated the shit out of it, but the best all the same.

  “Nuh-uh. No way, City. You’re not leavin’ me now. I’m too used to your face. The sexy way you order ‘cawfee’ has me hooked.” I kicked Owen under the table and he snickered back at me.

  “That’s why you were laughing at me before, wasn’t it? I do not sound like that,” I huffed as I straightened in my chair. The scowl on my face made Owen laugh even harder.

  “Oh, yes you do. From the first time you told me ‘whateva’ I knew I’d never get enough.” He leaned over and put his arm around my shoulders. My head spun from being this close to him. “Say it, Bella. Tell me to kiss your ass,” Owen crooned in my ear. His lips grazed my cheek, causing a shiver down my spine. I pulled back and turned my gaze to his. The smile faded from his face as his green eyes darkened. The air whooshed out of my lungs when his lip grazed his bottom teeth. I wanted that lip—both of them.

  I sat back and did my best to look annoyed rather than turned on, but I was sure my shaking hands and uneasy smile gave me away.

  Owen stared down at his coffee, almost as if he was trying to think of what to say. Did he want to kiss me as much as I wanted him to? Yeah, right. My mind was tired and playing cruel tricks on me.

  I took a deep breath and rose from my seat. “I’d better go. I have another study session. I’ll probably need another ‘cawfee’ on the way over to stay awake.” I made sure to exaggerate the word as I gazed back at Owen.

  Owen slapped his hand on the table with a satisfied smile. “There she is. Don’t ever change, City. And you and me. Out. After midterms. You pick the day.” There was that smile again, the one that had me feeling for my panties as I walked away to make sure they didn’t drop to the floor. Guys like Owen needed to come with a warning label.

  “See you tomorrow.” I sauntered out of Bean Shooters shaking my head at myself.

  Why did dinner with Owen terrify me so much? In the past few weeks, I’d gotten to know him as Owen the funny, sweet guy who loved to tease me—not just OT, the hockey hotshot with puck bunnies to spare. I wanted all of him, but I wasn’t sure if all of me could handle it.

  Bella

  “MOVIES ON THE BIG SCREEN or TV shows?” My eyelids were losing the battle to stay open, but every night Laura wanted to have ‘get to know each other’ time before we turned the lights off. I appreciated her effort, and the more time I spent with her the more I grew to like her, but I wished we could have our question and answer period during daylight.

  “Depends. Movies are more of a social thing, I think.”

  “Sour Patch Kids or Swedish Fish?”

  “Blech! Neither. I only like chocolate candy, as if you couldn’t tell already by the size of my ass.” I chuckled and settled on my side.

  “Oh please. I bet Owen likes your ass just fine.” Laura gave me a smug grin.

  I huffed and rolled my eyes. “My ass isn’t a blip on Owen’s radar, Laura. We’re study buddies, that’s it.”

  “Right, Bella,” she drawled. “I see how he hangs on your every word.”

  I shrugged. “He’s polite. It’s probably a Southern gentleman thing.”

  “Bella, can I ask you a personal question?”

  “Deeper than my favorite candy?” I smirked at Laura and she chuckled back.

  “Why are you so against starting anything up with Owen? I get he’s older and every girl on campus falls at his feet. But if I were you, and Owen looked at me the way I’ve caught him staring at you a few times, I would be on him like white on rice and I wouldn’t have to think twice about it.”

  My brow pulled together as I sat up. “You’ve caught him staring at me? Stop it!”

  Laura let out a
frustrated sigh. “You’re a pretty girl and you act like you’re covered in scales. When I met you at the library after one of your little study dates, I noticed him tracking you with his eyes as we were leaving. Is he doing that badly in class that you need to meet a couple of times a week?”

  “No. Actually, he got a B on the midterm—”

  “See? I don’t mean to pry, but did something happen to you? Are you coming off a bad breakup?”

  I plopped my head back on the pillow. Why was I letting this follow me here? My senior year of high school was completely ruined because I couldn’t get over a broken heart and an irrevocably bruised ego.

  My goodnight talks with Christian were a thing of the past. Still, I lay awake in bed for hours, pondering all the possible reasons why the sweet boy I kissed goodbye in August was so distant now. I waited for him to reply to my text half the night until I fell asleep still clutching the phone. I was sure hockey practice didn’t run that late. Every day I tried my damnedest not to be the stage five clinger, whiny high school girlfriend, but I was no idiot. Christian outgrew me, and even though it saddened me to my bones, it was a hard pill to swallow.

  First period biology lab was not the class to have when you were two blinks away from being comatose. I sympathized with the poor pig we had to dissect. My heart wasn’t where it used to be either.

  As I trudged through the hallway to class, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. A couple of girls huddled by the lockers in front of the classroom and giggled as I passed. I shook it off and settled into the seat in front of my station.

  “Good morning, Kim. Ready to cut ’er up today?” My attempt to make a joke fell flat as my lab partner’s eyes darted away from mine. The sad gaze she gave me reminded me of the sorrowful look you gave a grieving family member at a funeral. What the hell was the big secret about me everyone seemed to know but me?

  Kim let out a sigh as she slid her phone to me. “I’m really sorry, Bella … but I thought you should know.” My trembling hand grabbed it off the table. Facebook was open on her screen, and ice ran through my veins as I registered Christian’s face and the pretty blonde girl with overflowing cleavage sitting on his lap. I scrolled to the next picture of them kissing. Although, I wasn’t sure you’d call it that. With the sight of their tongues touching in clear view, they were more eating each other’s faces. My heart sank into my stomach. Christian’s new friend Heather tagged him in the picture so everyone he was friends with saw it, including the girl he forgot to break up with. My eyes ventured lower and my heart shattered even more. Christian both liked and commented ‘so sexy’ on the picture immediately after she posted it, around ten thirty last night. I texted him at eleven. Now I knew why I didn’t get a response. He either completely forgot I could see the picture, or didn’t care—I wasn’t sure which was worse.

  I wobbled to Mr. Murphy’s desk on shaky legs and made up something about feeling sick and needing the nurse. The second he handed me the pass, I darted into the girls’ bathroom to dial Christian.

  It was over, but I needed to hear him say it to have it fully sink in. The boy who told me how beautiful I was a million times a day, who whispered I love you with a concerned gaze as he gently moved inside me for the first time the night before he left, who swore going to different schools wouldn’t change what we had together—was now a lying and cheating douchebag who didn’t love me anymore, if ever.

  It took four rings for him to pick up the phone. When the line connected, female squeals and giggles assaulted my ear. How many sucker punches to the gut was I supposed to endure today?

  “Stop it, Heather.” Christian chuckled into the phone. “Hello?”

  “Hi, Christian.”

  “Bella?” His voice bristled with irritation. He didn’t even have the decency to pretend to be sorry.

  “Oh, you remember who I am? If you wanted freedom to make out with skanks, at least be a stand-up guy and say so.” I spit out my words but the tears were already falling. How could he do this to me? I fought like hell to hold on to my anger so the hurt wouldn’t seep in, but it was too late. I was cast aside like garbage for all the world to see, and I was the last to know about it.

  “Look, I’m in college now. Heather … well, she’s more of a woman than a little girl who’s been sheltered by her father all her life. She … knows things. I outgrew us a long time ago, but you were so clingy. I didn’t think you could handle it.”

  My mouth fell open and I couldn’t speak. Who was this guy? I was his girlfriend of three years, and he made me sound as if I was some girl with a crush he was trying to let down easy.

  “Well, don’t let me stand in your way. Goodbye, Christian.” I ended the call and sobbed into my hands. Holidays and summer would be torturous now since there would be no escape. His family lived up the block, so there would be nowhere to hide from the humiliation. Every time I saw him, I would remember how I wasn’t enough—and how everyone knew it.

  “What an asshole!” Laura shook her head with disgust on her face.

  I let out a heavy sigh and nodded. “The rest of my senior year I was only one step above a recluse. The gossip was relentless since Christian still had a ton of friends at school, and a few of them said he broke up with me when he graduated and I just couldn’t let go. I’d bet money Christian started that rumor. Everyone had all these “theories” as to why Christian broke up with me. I couldn’t walk down the hall without hearing whispers, or come home without weird glares from his friends since he lived on my block. Culver had a good business school, and no one from my school intended to go there. So instead of going to NYU, I came here to get away from it all.”

  Laura pursed her lips at me as she lay back on the bed. “Why didn’t you go to UCLA or somewhere out west?”

  I shrugged. “Four hours was far enough away to start fresh where no one knew me, but close enough to not completely drive my parents over the edge. At least I’m in the same state. In my dad’s mind, I’m still just a drive away.” So close yet so far described home completely. My new life hadn’t started yet because I was still running from my old one.

  “I’m sorry all that happened to you, but it’s not Owen’s fault your ex is as heartless jerk. And if you push every guy away because of what Christian did to you, you’ll never get over it.” Laura raised her eyebrows at me and I nodded.

  She was right. I already gave him far too much power. The whole purpose of coming here was to leave all that behind. It was time I finally let it all go.

  “Thanks for listening, Laura.”

  “Anytime. Who knew asking about your favorite candy would turn so serious?

  “We’ll talk about your sordid past tomorrow. I have an early class.” I leaned over to make sure the alarm was set on my phone when I noticed an unread text lingering on the screen.

  OWEN: Hey City! Don’t think I forgot. Pick a day.

  No sense in wasting any more time. It was time to take a leap out of my comfort zone. Deep water, here I come.

  ME: How’s tomorrow? My last class is over at 5, so any time after that is fine.

  My phone buzzed in my hand with Owen’s immediate response.

  OWEN: Awesome! Pick you up at 7. Sleep well ;)

  The last time I had a first date, I was fourteen—if this even was a date. Maybe it was just a thank you dinner. Either way, Owen wanted to spend his Friday night with me. Warmth flooded my insides along with a few butterflies. I had run away from all my problems, but it was time I finally got away from them—for good.

  Bella

  OWEN TEXTED “LOOKING FORWARD TO seeing you later” the next morning and I lost all focus for the entire day. By my last class, my head was a million miles away.

  I headed straight for the dorms after class and tore apart my closet for about an hour. Laura was at a jam session with a few friends from her music class. If I didn’t have a date, or whatever this was, with Owen I would have tagged along. No one was here to talk me off the ledge, and my nerve was slip
ping away with each top I tried on and tore off.

  I needed to stop.

  I needed to get a grip.

  I needed my mother.

  I dialed the phone as my leg bobbed up and down. My mom always had a way of calming me when I was anxious. Dad was a great listener too, but after what happened with Christian he was even more overprotective than usual when it came to boys.

  “Hey, sweetheart! I just heard from you yesterday. Everything okay?”

  I smiled to myself and shook my head. Mom knew me so well. It was just the two of us until I was five, and ever since then we could read each other without speaking a single word.

  “Yes, everything is fine. I’m just a little … I don’t know … jumpy, I guess. The guy I’ve been helping in accounting class … Owen … I think we’re going on a date tonight.”

  “You think? Why aren’t you sure?” Mom giggled in my ear.

  I let out a long sigh. “He told me he wanted to treat me to dinner for helping him get a B on the midterm. I didn’t really do anything. He never seemed to be having that much trouble.”

  “I see …” There was a sarcastic lilt in my mother’s voice.

  “See what, Mom?”

  “Well, I used to know someone in college who lied about having trouble in accounting class just to get close to the tutor.”

  I chuckled at the phone. “Who?”

  Mom took a deep breath. “Me. And the tutor was your dad. I wasn’t really having trouble either. But I told a little fib, just so I could have his undivided attention for an hour or so a couple times a week. But I never had the guts to ask him out to thank him. Good for Owen.”

  “But Dad was … Dad. Owen is two years older than me, and you should see what happens to girls in his presence. They fall all over him. What purpose would he have to pretend to need my help in class?”